Sunday, May 31, 2009

"Quintessentially Chinese": Kung Fu Panda? Really? Edition

So, if you're a nerd like me, you've probably seen Mirrormask, and if you're even more of a nerd, you'd have noted the conversation Nan was having on the phone as Helena was entering the living room, where she's talking on the phone, and she says, "Something quintessentially French."

The word "quintessentially" repeats a while later, but somehow, the phrase "quintessentially Chinese" popped into my head. And I had no idea what it meant. I googled the phrase, and I got reviews of Kung Fu Panda. Which is apparently quintessentially Chinese. I don't know how quintessentially Chinese something like that can get when its main character is voiced by a white man starring a hero that has a problem with eating. I mean, come the fuck on. All the awesome Chinese heroes available and you guys wrote a fucking panda? And some moron writers have the gumption to ask why "such a quintessentially Chinese movie was made in Hollywood"?

If you wanted "quintessentially Chinese" movies, Stephen Chow has made a whole fucking slew of them, thank you very much! Also, A Chinese Tall Story, which somehow has made NO FUCKING IMPACT ON THE GLOBAL MOVIE-WATCHING MARKET, despite its insane digital graphics effects. You can't even IMDB that shit for anything! Yet it was amazingly cheesy and wonderful and starred quintessentially Chinese heroes with quintessentially Chinese themes (duty vs. love, sacrifice) and didn't have a shitty ending. (OK, shitty endings are also apparently quintessentially Chinese. See House of Flying Daggers, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, AND Curse of the Golden Flower or whatever it's called. Fucking blockbusters. They always pick the shitty endings.)

Not this trash about a fucking panda that apparently eats a shitload of stuff other than bloody bamboo! And has a problem with that! Look, give pandas a fucking break! They can't help their metabolism! How can that be used to factor into a story about conquering fat hatred?

Anyways. I'll end this post with a link to something that's not quintessentially Chinese, but has elements which are, and then some. It sort of passes the Bechdel test, too. Be prepared to suspend a lot of disbelief.

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